Ok so my new URL is timehaskilledthedream.tumblr.com
Yup, its a Les Mis line, because I love that musical more than anything. Its amazing. Follow me if you want, I really don’t mind or care.
I’m going to make a new tumblr, for no other reason than I’m following way too many people one here, and I’m too lazy to unfollow every single one. My dash just annoys me too much! I’ll post the link to my new one on here, feel free to follow if you want!
I’m weak. Too weak. Dancing was good tonight, but I’m so, so exhausted. I think its mostly due to lack of sleep, which luckily can be easily solved, without the consumption of any more calories. I know my eating is completely off the rails, the same as it was when I was at my worst, possibly even more destructive, but I can’t comprehend trying to fix it right now.
I need to keep going. Just keep functioning. Drink coffee, exercise, study, stay alive. Don’t think. Don’t feel. If I think about anything, I know I’ll break down. Just keep going, keep going.
Its too sweet, and nothing is really negative calorie. Sometimes I don’t have reasons for what is ‘safe’ and what isn’t, its just the way it is.
Forget ‘fear foods’. I have my ‘safe’ foods and I’m sticking to them!
Most of the time my mum cooks complete meals, so I have to eat a tiny bit of meat on some days of the week. Carbs are OUT as much as possible, apart from the one porridge sachet per day. This is it. This is all I can allow myself to eat without freaking out, or binging, or both.
4 quality street, 2 guylian chocolates, 9 single smarties. I disgust myself. I hadn’t binged AT ALL for nearly a week, then I went and blew it. I thought it might happen today though - I’d been hungry since the moment I woke up, and nothing seemed to change that all day.
The trigger was yoghurt. My mum made me eat an Activia Light Vanilla yoghurt. 65 calories. It, however, is not a ‘safe’ food, so it triggered me, and I binged. Some people maybe wouldn’t call it a binge, but to me it was. All because my mum won’t keep her nose out of my business.
My mum had another ‘talk’ with me today, about the fact that I’m not eating ‘enough’. She thinks I’m under 50 kilos again. My highest ever weight was 54. My lowest recorded weight was 46.5 kilos, but I think it was more like 43. So I’m hopefully/probably around 48 at the moment. Maybe more, maybe less. She’s worried about my weight, and my weight loss. I don’t know what to think, I just want to get through prelims. Part of me knows that this is a serious problem again, and part of me refuses to accept that at all.
Ate 507 calories today. Burned 694. Heading in the right direction then…
So today has been weird. I’m so exhausted I can barely stand. Walked to school as usual. Had to go to a mini-meeting at break, about a Cambridge presentation tomorrow. Then was forced to wait half a period standing in a line for an injection, just so I could get to the front of the hall and explain that I don’t need it - I had it 2 years ago! Mum made me come home for lunch again which sucks, but I got away with soup and 1/2 a slice of bread. I had dancing at 5, so spent an hour in the Library revising after school. I never feel like I’ve done enough revision, no matter how much I do. Dancing was pretty good, I really felt a connection with my modern solo for the first time in ages, which was amazing. It sounds cheesy, but if you’ve never felt it, I can’t explain it. There are no words for that kind of high.
The coffee that I’d drunk before dancing wore off about halfway through, sadly. I could barely finish the class I was so tired. Came home, and managed to avoid eating most of dinner, which was good I guess. More revision, then I finally found the guts to send that message that I mentioned in my other post. I feel so much better for it, if I’m honest. Who knows what will happen now, but to be honest I don’t care - I did what was right.
The ‘seen’ feature on Facebook is simultaneously the best and worst thing about it.
Sometimes all it takes is extreme stupidity, and extreme bravery, all wrapped up in one.
A while ago I messaged a girl on ask.fm. I was on anon. I don’t know her that well, but I’d seen her scars. I do know her well enough to know that she has a kind, lovely personality, and she is incredibly strong for trying to recover. She posted it and asked for whoever it was to message her.
Well, today I did. I finally got up the guts, and went for it. And I’m glad.
'Finally, I can see, honestly I've got the guts to say anything'
I think I know who you are, but I’m not 100% certain. Wether I’m right or not, thank you xx
Ok right that’s it I don’t want to eat any more. At all.
Realistically I know that’s not possible. However, I need to stop eating bad things. I sealed up all my chocolate and sweets from Christmas so I can’t eat them. My parents forced me to eat in front of them today and I think they’re going to do that more, so I’m going to stick to fruit and vegetables only. No cake. Or ice cream. Or chocolate. Or bread. Much as I want to eat those things and then purge (as I have sometimes been doing), I’m just going to not eat them. At all. Purging has been taking up too much time and energy, eating less will stop that cycle.
I think of what I used to eat when I was trying to recover, and it makes me feel physically sick. For example:
Breakfast: Large bowl of muesli, one and a half slices of bread, orange juice and coffee
Lunch: Large sandwich, piece of fruit, yoghurt, coffee
Dinner: Whatever my mum cooked e.g. pasta and sauce
Pudding: Full-fat yoghurt, large slice of cake if I’d been dancing, hot chocolate made with soya milk
I’d sometimes even have a snack during the day. That disgusts me.
What I eat now:
Breakfast:sachet of porridge (98) with piece of fruit (50) and coffee
Lunch: bowl of soup (100), coffee (this is only if I have to, if I can skip lunch then I will)
Dinner: I’ll eat a bit of what mum cooks and sometimes purge it.
Pudding: Fruit (50), instant hot chocolate (40) OR fruit tea (0)
I’m fat and that needs to change. I have no idea what I weigh, somewhere between 7 and 8 stone I think. Probably closer to 7. I ate 600 calories today and that is too much, plus I didn’t manage to go for a run, because it was snowing so my dad said it was too treacherous. Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.
Luckily I have work experience coming up in February. An entire week of unsupervised eating. In other words, I’ll eat as little as I can for breakfast, forget about lunch, and I know the boy in the family I’m staying with is an EXTREMELY fussy eater, so picking at dinner won’t be hard either. I also have maths camp in March, which is a long weekend away with the school. Safe to say I won’t be eating for the entire time. Four days. That should be manageable.